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From 1992 to 2000 I was chronic. I smoked weed almost every day, experienced all the good and bad that went along with such a life style, and I took care to make note of all those experiences. I was a "Stoner" and these are my stories.
#153 Paraphermania
OK, you've discovered that you like weed and the question now is: Just how are you going to smoke it? Alright, alright… I realize not everybody liked it... and some of you have never even tried it, but it's still a good question.
Most of us who did decide to dance with the magic herb smoked it for the first time using some rudimentary piece of paraphernalia. A modified pop can, apple, a toilet paper roll and some tinfoil, a small, simple pipe, or a "joint". A joint… AKA doobie, blunt, spliff, hooter, tooter, pinner, fatty, hog's leg, smoke, toke, "J", number, jammer, etc., is usually the most recognized, first-time delivery method. Sadly this method eventually eliminates itself as part of its design, and no matter what you call your joint initially; it always ends up a "roach". A lot of people also constructed a disposable "steam roller" from an empty aluminum can or a toilet paper roll, but these were also a limited-life tool for toking. Even if you smoked for the first time with someone who allowed you use of a device manufactured for specifically that purpose, you're still going to have to strike out on your own eventually.
Those of us who did find they enjoyed a little weed and knew we could get more of it were posed with the question of an efficient delivery method the second we got our first sack home. Like I said, the disposables are always good for the beginner, but sooner or later, you may become tired of the constant construction and discrete disposal of temporary tools. It is at this point that you are obliged to go looking for a "piece".
The first purchase for most aspiring stoners is a pipe. Not a lot of cool slang terms for a pipe because it's pretty straight forward. Put weed in one end, suck on the other, and apply fire. The question for a novice pot head is "Where do I get one at?" In my case, there was only one game in town. Now, keep in mind that my experiences were a while ago, and I lived in an area that didn't (and still doesn't) allow gambling or titty bars, so a "pot pipe" was hard to come by. The one retailer you could visit was a little hole-in-the-wall import shop that was run by a dude of Middle Eastern descent. You would walk in to the hazy room filled to the brim with trinkets and bobbles... As well as a few, non-discript smoking devices artfully camouflaged amongst the other shiny objects in the overcrowded glass cases. Everything was on an ear-piercing alarm, and if you came within a foot of any surface (besides the floor) it would go off.
"What you want!!! What you need!!!! You buy something or get out!!!"
The man was rude and seemed to be hovering on the edge of heart attack, but a flash of cash calmed him long enough to do the deal… and I walked out with a gleaming, brass beauty. The durable little pipe was used for years and eventually became known as "Old Gold". The fact that this particular utensil was so long-lived is actually an abnormality when it comes to small pot pipes, as most of them are broken or lost under the semi-watchful red eyes of their stoner owner. Regardless of how many pipes one goes through at the beginning of their grass career, smoking through the same type of implement can become somewhat mundane. The exploratory nature of the stoner soon takes over, seeking out new and exciting ways to ingest their beloved weed.
This early in your career, you usually don't have the surplus of herb required to make brownies or cookies or whatever, so the next logical step is a water pipe or "bong". When I first experienced the magic of a bong they were simply not available for purchase and you had to make your own. Since "I've got a good friend who blows glass" isn't something me and my buddies could say, we had to use our imaginations. Drink bottles, PVC and brass pipe fittings, stainless steel pipe, etc. I can remember a process of trial-and-error which produced some good and some not-so-good bongs. One made of a one half gallon gas can (dubbed "Octane") was a great concept and a surprisingly smooth hitter, while one made from a weed sprayer (named "Woundup") was an expensive disaster. You may notice that both of these devices have "names" and that was always one of the greatest things about making your own bong. You would look at it, smoke through it, discuss its nuances, and give it an appropriate name. "Bubble Trouble", "The Weeble", "Tidal Wave", and "Burnin' Rubber" were among a few of the descriptive and clever names we bestowed upon our unique series of homemade bongs.
As your career continues, you tend to notice that home-made bongs aren't always the most convenient way to smoke as they can be very conspicuous. Most successful, up-and-coming pot heads will stick with small and/or disposable devices until they are able to safely take it to the next level.
The next level for me and my cohorts came after high school. Some of us secured decent jobs and apartments, leaving the door open for bigger and better paraphernalia. As luck would have it, the first of the mass produced bongs began to bubble their way into a few, obscure retailers around town during that time. The specialized nick-names stopped, and the bongs became known as the "2 footer", the "3 footer" and so on. Referred to more by the length and what company made it than any "given name"; the brand name bongs hit the scene hard (but smooth). Everyone who could afford it went on a bong buying frenzy, and for a while it was wonderful to have a nice bong waiting for you at every destination... but it soon grew out of control. The bongs ultimately reached footage and complexity of ridiculous proportions and required a team of three to operate. I can recall one instance in which I arrived at a smoking stop on the pot head railroad, and a guy pulled out a bong (with the help of a friend) that was six feet long. To add retardedness to ridiculousness he had also given the purple, plastic monster a nick name.
"Say hello to Cheryl."
"Cheryl?"
"Just hit it dude, and you'll see why we call her that."
I did... and spent ten minutes straight uncontrollably coughing and drooling.
"See why we call her Cheryl nooowwww duuuuuudddee?"
"N - [cough], No."
"Pfffuuuhhh! This guy just doesn't 'get it'!"
It was at that moment that I realized comfortable, casual smoking is better than spectacular, painful, inside joke smoking. A slow but constant bong decline followed as others joined my position. Although the over-saturation of mass produced bongs caused a sudden bong disinterest in the pot smoking public; the overall surge in bong sales turned out to be a good thing. As law-abiding people began to feel more and more like they could successfully manufacture the devices without fear of reprisal, a new generation of artisan glass bongs and pipes eventually hit the scene. These creations revitalized the bong trade and gave new life to a stale market.
These changes in bong production have lead to the current, "golden age of bongery"… the tools have become cheap, beautiful, and plentiful. Pipes have followed suit, and although the old aluminum or brass standbys are still available… fat glass rules. These days, if you have a sudden hankerin' for some Mary Jane or have an unexpected malfunction in your current smoking device; there is a shop in almost every mid-sized city where you can legally purchase any paraphernalia you may need.
There is no doubt that people love their paraphernalia, and I understand completely. A simple, reliable, durable way to do the deed is invaluable to any deed doer. Paraphernalia has actually come a long way in the region where I reside, as well as much of the U.S. as a whole (since I started smokin' anyway). Sadly, I have never had the pleasure of utilizing one of the most recent technologies; the "Vaporizer". It sounds absolutely wonderful (but a little pricey for the occasional user). Whatever new-and-improved methods pop up , I'm sure that the simple pipe, the bong, and, most of all, the joint, will always remain on top as the way that's best to ingest. Well, OK, maybe not "best"... but cheap and easy have their place... That is, don't buy a $500 dollar wallet with your last $520 dollars, 'cause it won't be long before it's empty.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED:
IF YOU HAVE EVER GIVEN A CLEVER NICKNAME TO A PIPE OR BONG :
You might have a problem.
IF YOU HAVE EVER GIVEN A PERSON OR PET NAME( EX. RANDY, SHEP) TO A PIPE OR BONG :
You have a problem… and it's probably Randy and/or Shep.
IF YOU HAVE EVER NAMED A PERSON OR PET AFTER A PIPE OR BONG:
That's just hilarious.
